Age 22: Walked around Meijer with Drano in one hand and a large brown box of pastries in the other

Age 16: In Twelve Oaks: invited to a model call by tall African woman who chased me to the elevator from inside a Kay’s

Age 4: Digital coloring book on a computer, relentlessly filling in Big Bird with different color combinations (green made him resemble broccoli)

Various Ages under 10: Refused to be anything but inanimate objects for Halloween

Age 18: Wrote first drug story including the Virgin Mary and a strung-out kleptomaniac

Age 22: Considered checking out Jumping the Green for the 30th time, went with Bret Easton Ellis instead; discovered am still not out of transgressive literature phase