Now..”Why do you waste my time?”
Is the answer to the question on your mind
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Had that reoccurring dream in which I remember I’m enrolled in a French course every Monday but it hits me only after half the semester is done and there’s no way I can catch up or redeem myself as I don’t even know what the teacher looks like or where the classroom is then I check my schedule closely and see I’m not even signed up at all and it seems a metaphor for all those irrational fears I entertain; all my dreams are this hot and heavy complete with pseudo panic attacks as I writhe in bed over deadlines
Age 22: Walked around Meijer with Drano in one hand and a large brown box of pastries in the other
Age 16: In Twelve Oaks: invited to a model call by tall African woman who chased me to the elevator from inside a Kay’s
Age 4: Digital coloring book on a computer, relentlessly filling in Big Bird with different color combinations (green made him resemble broccoli)
Various Ages under 10: Refused to be anything but inanimate objects for Halloween
Age 18: Wrote first drug story including the Virgin Mary and a strung-out kleptomaniac
Age 22: Considered checking out Jumping the Green for the 30th time, went with Bret Easton Ellis instead; discovered am still not out of transgressive literature phase
My dish: Scallop Chardonnay linguine & caramelized onions
the universe it’s still unfolding unfortunately fortunately under warranty still
dear self: you have not found it yet keep looking
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave.
…David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life.
…See, now that’s your problem. You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be.” – Elizabeth Gilbert
not so esoteric, but oh! something akin to drumming in my heart
like things you vow never to do again//disillusionment//time to center realign you redefined seems a mile in the other direction. truthfully i don’t want that which is best for me; is this a bad thing is this a dream. i can do the things you ask me to but i won’t promise to feel a thing
the things i wanted maybe not anymore i am growing so old it would seem
“In a move to block the formation of a carcinogen in the water, the Los Angeles agency will add 3 million more black spheres.”
“‘This is an artistic operation which documents through art the problem that we have in Italy. They’re always telling us lies, both the Left and the Right,’ [Graziano Cecchini] said.
The significance appeared to be in the Italian word for balls (’palle‘) which can also mean untruths.”
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semantics.
the other day a stranger asked if i had a bit of French in me; i wish i knew. this was discussed over dinner and concluded it is probable due to ‘french prostitutes and all’ during the imperialist regime in Vietnam. ‘beautiful mixed children started popping up all over the countryside,’ according to ma mere. all i know is: ‘la carotte’ is used accordingly in the Vietnamese language.
